I went for a coffee yesterday at a local café with some friends and we started talking about why women compare themselves to other women. Two of us were in our fifties, one of us was in her twenties and the other in her thirties.
We realised that it happens all around us, comparisons sometimes being made resulting in competition, trying to outdo each other rather than offering support. I suppose my focus has always been to lift other women, to celebrate them, show them how amazing they are and what possibilities are available to them.
Interestingly, recently I was part of a sister circle and found myself making comparisons with one woman who seems to have the perfect lifestyle, she always looks immaculate, and she is so articulate at expressing herself. I found that I was comparing myself and making negative judgements about me.
Why would I do that to myself?
I told my friends over coffee about this. Firstly, they were surprised as this isn’t like me. One of my friends stated that it is a form of self-bullying! An interesting thought! Another friend said that in the past, this situation would have made her feel as if she wasn’t good enough if she was around a woman she perceived as ‘perfect’. The youngest of our group admitted she had set herself up in competition to prove that she was ‘better’ than other women.
Are these common traits?
Why aren’t we celebrating ourselves and other women? Why do we feel this need to compare ourselves to others? Why do women feel the need to change their behaviours or suppress themselves based on comparison?
I began to wonder after our conversation if we all must find our place to fit in, or can we create that place ourselves. I feel that we have our own authority to be the person we want to be and to create the life we want. For me, it is about giving ourself permission to do this. Comparisons keep us small, undermining our confidence and stop us from expanding.
I suppose we come back to our thinking and whether our thoughts are taking us to where we want to be. Thinking that we are not as beautiful, talented or spiritual as another women is embedding some very negative suggestions. The following thoughts are much more empowering: I am beautiful in my own right. I am an individual. I celebrate my success.
Why do we compare ourselves to others and how can we stop?
Perhaps women are looking how to define themselves, perhaps that definition can only be made by comparison to another? Surely this is a destructive way of understanding who we are and how we need to be in the world? There are times I suppose when a comparison might be helpful. When we see a role-model, someone we aspire to be like. This can provide us with a blueprint of who we want to be. Mostly it seems to be a way of seeing another woman in a positive light and ourselves in a negative way.
Here’s some techniques for stopping comparisons:
- Listen to the voice of your inner critic. What does it sound like? Give it a name. Now focus on changing this voice into a voice that you can’t take seriously. Mickey Mouse? A comedian? Whatever works for you. This takes away the power of your inner critic.
- Be your own best friend! Speak to yourself as you speak to your friends. Perhaps become more aware. What do you say to your friends to boost and support them? Do you speak to yourself in the same way?
- Start to honour yourself. Show others the respect you have for yourself. Help others to see the power of this honouring. Change the inner voice to one that focuses on your strengths and builds you up. Learn to interrupt those negative words. Focus on what is important to you and move towards that. Recognise that all of your experiences, wisdom and knowing have brought you to where you are today and that you have so much to offer to other women. Embrace who you are to show other women what is possible. Light the way for them.
You may want to do some journaling around this subject.
- Who do you think you should be?
- Who are you?
- What expectations do others have of you?
- What expectations do you have of yourself?
- What is it about you that makes people love you?
- What are your needs?
- How can you fulfil them?
- What do you bring to the world?
- How can you own it?
Perhaps it’s time to let go of the narratives and stories that you have played repeatedly about yourself? Perhaps its time to celebrate you?
Remember that the world needs you in all your individuality and uniqueness. Nobody else is like you. That’s something to celebrate! Allow the possibility of your greatness.
You may want to create some affirmations for yourself:
- I am proud of all I have achieved
- I totally accept me as I am now
- I let go of expectations
- I will express myself and shine
Remember, you are on the path that is right for you now, you can be grateful for all that is in this moment and all that it gives to you. You can give yourself permission to be you and embrace all that is, AND nobody is you! That my beautiful is your superpower!
Much love
Jennifer