Quite often, we are unaware that we follow unwritten rules every day of our lives. Whether it’s at home, at work, with our family and friends or in social situations. Perhaps we follow rules that we have learnt to follow because they are expected of us, or we think that this is what is expected of us! Perhaps these rules that we have learned to follow are to help us to fit in or feel accepted.
Sometimes these rules are so deeply embedded that we have no awareness of them or even realise that we are following rules. Often these rules take away our choice and our power without us realising.
Do I Have a Choice?
It’s great to realise that we can choose the rules that we are going to follow. How empowering to know that we can decide on our own rules! Rules that support us and take us to where we want to be be, rules that support and nourish us, rules that truly help us to live a real and authentic life.
These rules could be called habits. They have become part of our daily routines and may be as simple as ‘I have to wash up after dinner’ or they may be more complex and actually impact our behaviours and how we feel about ourselves; ‘If I’m not good at this, people won’t like me’.
How to Change my Rules to Support me?
The first thing is to start to become aware. Awareness of your own rules is the start of the journey to learning what can go and what supports you. Start to be aware of your motivations for actions you take. Is to to please you? Do you really have to do it? Is it to please others? Is it an unwritten rule that has no basis? What are your thoughts about this rule?
Really explore the ‘why’ of your actions, particularly if intuitively you feel or notice a little discomfort around any activity or you feel resistance to what you are doing.
Perhaps it’s time to take a good look at those self-imposed rules: question and challenge them. Do they serve any useful purpose? Do you really need them?
What rule might support you instead?
Ought, Should, Must!
How many times a day do you say or thing to yourself that you ‘ought’ ‘should’ or ‘must’ do something? Are these words part of your language?
These words are based on obligation in stead of choice. Obligations that are often imposed on us by other’s ideals, society or convention. They are rarely our own rules that we have created to support us.
Start to listen out for those words. You may even have the voice of someone pop into your head when you are saying these words to yourself. Really start to challenge yourself. Who says I must? Are these real? What would happen if I didn’t do this?
Changing my Rules
Perhaps start to challenge and question your daily activities and see whether they give you clues to the rules you live by. You may want to journal as this can be helpful in understanding rules that have become part of your behaviour. It’s a good way of tapping into some of those unconscious thoughts and patterns.
Perhaps start to look for patterns that actually you know you do but you are not sure why. You may want to journal and ask yourself what are the rules that will support you going forward ensuring that you are living with joy and a fulfilled life.
What are the rules that constrain you? Hold you back? Create fear?
Those rules that cause a response of worry, anxiety, feeling a failure or shame, they are not your real true rules. They are rules that control you in some way, perhaps they meet someone else’s need but not yours. These about trying to ensure that you conform. It’s time to let those rules go!
My Rules
Breathe deeply into your heart and connect with you. Be real with yourself. Find the rules that will support and nurture you and intuitively feel right for you.
Here are mine:
- I prioritise my health
- My opinion of me is more important than anyone else’s
- Its ok to take time out and make space for my self-care and nurturing
- I live by my truth and treat everyone with kindness
- I will challenge and support myself to be the best I can be
- I will notice opportunities that help me to make a difference to others
Exercises and Journaling
I’ve asked a lot of questions during the blog – you may want to explore your answers to those as a starting point. Or have a go at the following journaling prompts. What ever feels right for you.
- When you find yourself doing something or behaving in a certain way and it doesn’t feel fully authentic, become aware. Start to ask yourself the following questions:
- Is this someone else’s rule?
- Where did this rule come from?
- Does this rule take me to where I want to go?
- How does this rule make me feel?
- Can I feel resistance here?
- Is it time to let this one go?
- What rule would support you better?
- What rule reflects you & your authenticity?
- Journal:
- The 5 rules that support me are
- The rules to let go of are
Be very real here and ask yourself, what rules will support you in being your most radiant and real self?
Much Love
Jennifer
xxx